why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
