the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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