Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
