Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
