I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
