Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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