All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
