Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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