2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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