Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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