You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
