new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
