thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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