we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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