I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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