I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
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