My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
