I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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