I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
