So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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