i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
