my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
