When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
