Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
