haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
