Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
