I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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