At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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