Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
