Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
