Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
