Ambien. No doubt about it.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
