Please, let me fuck your mom
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
