he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
