U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Randomize
