I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Randomize
