TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
