I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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