I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize