I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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