and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
