how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
