I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Randomize
