Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
