I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
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He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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