So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
