She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
