So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i was born a porn star she said
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
