just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Randomize
