I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
