just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
