I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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