Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Randomize
