i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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