2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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