The maid of honor just puked.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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