i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Randomize
