The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
