Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
