Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
